Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.