Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
welcome back
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother