Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Meow

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.