Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up