Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*