Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Monday

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

A great first step 😂

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories