“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Squirrels before girls.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.