“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes