@Swishergirl24

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

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@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

@StatusInBeirut

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@UnFitz

Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*

Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*

@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.

@daemonic3

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?