“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off