20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“Be cool, be cool,
~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*
Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*
Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?