“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.