“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
he looks great for his age
