Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.