“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking