“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Support your local cemetery
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Jupiter
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.