Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

🪶

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*