Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Going to church you guys need anything
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches