Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
when she block me on everything
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
lmfao
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
#FunnyLife Insects
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*