BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”