Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you want

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

this post was so formative to me

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.