Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
October 31
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.