Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
You Might Also Like
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Just grow your own
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.