Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
