Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.