Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I was just discussing this with my cat
I told my vodka about you.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
