The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.
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Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
“Can’t argue with that!” he said, pointing to an inanimate object.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though