@Gooooats

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.

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@Try2StopME

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@junejuly12

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

@simoncholland

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

@GrantTanaka

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

@shelbyfero

“Can’t argue with that!” he said, pointing to an inanimate object.

@jnrbtsn

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.

@dannyboy7813

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though