Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
you gotta be faster
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow