Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks