Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Thoughts

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.