Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
The Eggorcist
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.