Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
You are what you delete.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
