Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Best seat on the street 😍

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!