Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart