Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.