Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Dolls on drugs
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat