Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.