Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

🏠

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

That’s what I call a flat tire

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.