Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate