Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.