Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
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Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Spring cleaning checklist…
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’m giving up for Lent.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
What’s so funny?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.