Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This line from Airplane.
Um … Hot Wings please
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.