Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.