Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁