Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

my nickname in college

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

remember

only for emergencies

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Blocked: 1985

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?