Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

fixed it

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

what’s the point then??

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.