Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
you gotta be faster
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that