Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy