Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The human personality is made of five key elements
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god