Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
this country is so goddamn polarized
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?