Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Single and childfree like Jesus
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.