Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*