@Super_Cynthia

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

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@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

@BoogTweets

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

@jacaristar

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*