Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
no cat here
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look