Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS