Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
But is it really??
As a doctor, I can confirm
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
A male goth is called a broth.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.