Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single