Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

My new favorite headline

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.