Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

can’t wait til they legalize outside

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Story of my life…..

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]