Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
j o i m p
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Dolls on drugs
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Made something I’m not proud of
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.