Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Simple enough.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
make up your mind
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed