Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…