Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
So inspired right now.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.