Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you