Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

My favorite farside!!

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”