Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority