Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
crying
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.