Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
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STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning