Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Windows
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.