Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

I’d use my best pan on you.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Joseph Smith, 1833

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

christening a ship with an overripe banana

They grow up so quick

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.