Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.