Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
🐟✨ #re4
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.