Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
You Might Also Like
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow