Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.