Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
How did we not see this back then?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”