I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
For cardio I live beyond my means.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you