Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
2022: I can fix it
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.