Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.