Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Discuss
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.