Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Ok but actually
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs