Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
You Might Also Like
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.