Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say