Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I am also baked goods